equivocations | open rp post

Jiang Cheng raises his head and rubs it against his cheek, knowing that if he were human, his dragon would be the kind that cried. He has a hard time himself keeping his own heart from breaking.

He says nothing more and keeps nuzzling, keeps licking, keeps scenting, anything to curl and tuck himself closer to him. Love. That’s what he wishes to show. So that his dragon could feel love in this way and cherish it whenever he didn’t feel loved.

Love. He feels surrounded with it, consumed by it, and he greedily takes it all in so that he might remember this always.

And he gives it freely back, as much as he can. His nose nudges at the pads of his tiger's paws, feeling his toes press against his scales, he rubs his cheek and forehead and neck over every part of him that he can reach, trying to scent him as best as he can in return.

Eventually he rolls over until he's half on top of his tiger, forelegs tucked under his tiger's chest like he does when they're flying, though he makes no move to take off. Instead he just drapes over him, snaking his long neck around so he can press his muzzle to his tiger's nose.

They stay like that through the night; embraced and scenting each other until they practically reeked of the other’s scent. Not that his own family would notice. Maybe his sister but she wouldn’t say a word, just look softly and sadly at him.

All too soon, the morning light crests over the horizon and Jiang Cheng feels his ears flick even tucked and surrounded by his dragonet had been the best night and most loving night he’d ever had in his life. He licks at his dragon’s cheek, not wanting to wake him but also not wanting to alert the castle guards of his absence.

He stubbornly refuses to wake when his own internal clock begins to tug at him, curling tighter around his tiger. Even when he feels him lick his cheek, he buries his muzzle into his tiger's neck, shaking his head.

Why can't they be selfish?

A question he doesn't ask, because he knows exactly why.

After a long moment, he pulls his head back, carefully pressing his forehead against his tiger's.

I'll take you back down.

He closes his eyes against the forehead touch letting it last as long as it could. He wants to shake his head; take on whatever forces it is that keeps them apart. Hell, he has half a mind to fight off his own family and Xichen’s just to have his dragon.

I will only love you, my dragon, in my entire life.

It’s the truth. He will never love any other than his dragon. The ribbon is more than enough proof of that. He lets out a mournful growl, placing his paw on the other’s talon.

He doesn’t want to go back down. But he must.

He could refuse to take them down. It is a tempting image, the two of them up here in a world all their own, traveling around finding other spots like this.

But he is not his brother, and what he really wants -

Well. What he really wants is his tiger by his side, the two of them leading the kingdom together. His tiger would make a fine general, have all their soldiers in top shape, and he can think of no one better to talk over matters of the state.

Exactly what he is supposed to have with his husband, only it will be the wrong person.

And I will love only you, for all of my days.

He nuzzles into him at that mournful growl, giving a quiet one of his own.

But they cannot put this off any longer. He wraps his forelegs around his tiger again, holding him close, and this time he launches up into the air to fly them back down to the foot of the mountain.

There’s a part of him that wishes to fight back the entire way down; fight being brought back to reality. But when his paws touch the ground, Jiang Cheng gives one last kiss, one last scent, one last rub against before bounding off.

If he stayed longer, he wouldn’t leave. He shifts as soon as he leaps and lands in his room. Ten fingers. Ten toes. He checks the mirror to see the ornate ribbon around his neck.

His shaking fingers touch it even as he listens and hears the bustle of wedding preparations outside his door. He gingerly unties it and tucks it into his breast pocket.

Of all days to need his dragon’s strength, it would be today.

Lan Xichen watches him for a very long time, until he disappears completely from sight and he can no longer even hear him, until he has to accept that his tiger is gone.

For a moment, he lets himself be angry. Just a moment, just a brief handful of seconds to growl and snap - and then it's gone just like his tiger, and he just feels... numb.

He doesn't go straight back to Cloud Recesses. By now his uncle is well awake, and if he hasn't noticed his disappearance then attempting to sneak back in will certainly alert him. Instead, he heads back into town to return to the market, making a few more purchases from the shops there.

Whispers begin to spring up as he does, that the crown prince must love his betrothed very much to return so quickly for more things to please him, but he doesn't hear them.

Sure enough, his uncle is waiting for him in his quarters when he gets back, mouth turned down and face pinched tight. Lan Xichen holds up his carefully wrapped packages - so different from last night with his tiger.

"For Jiang Wanyin," he says quietly, and his uncle's expression relaxes, nodding in approval.

When noon arrives, he waits in one of the more private reception areas with lunch laid out.

"Jiang Wanyin," he greets when his betrothed arrives, with a warm smile that doesn't reach his eyes. "Did you sleep well?"

He wants to rage; to tear his room apart to just...shift and run away. Hell, he’s sure he could—but he balls his hands into fists, gets dressed, and goes to meet Lan Xichen for lunch as promised. Before leaving his chambers, he brings the ribbon out and kisses it softly, wishing he could have kissed his dragon one more time. He ticks it away in his breast pocket, over his heart once more.

Jiang Cheng walks into the private reception area and gives a formal bow toward his husband to be. His face is less pinched than the day before; the scowl is held into check and appears to only be a frown of his lips. He doesn’t quite meet his eyes before taking a seat.

“I...” Lying, if he recalls, is forbidden in the Cloud Recesses. “...I thank you for your question. My night was indeed restful.”

He sits ramrod straight, every bit the expected heir and prince he ought to be. He finally looks over to his husband to be, wanting to narrow his eyes just a bit; something is off about his smile.

“Were you able to sleep well, Lan Xichen?”

He watches his future husband skirt carefully around directly saying yes or no with a soft smile - a perfectly polite answer, and he can guess that the truth is no where near as simple. Were he a better person, a better fiance, he would probe gently - make a quiet offer to listen if Jiang Wanyin ever wants to share, casually mention that sometimes he finds it difficult to sleep and there is always soothing tea available in the kitchen, or that he will occasionally take walks at night and would welcome company.

But he is not, and he accepts the response at face value.

Jiang Wanyin is the picture of the perfect prince, handsome and strong, perfect posture and faintly frowning expression. Lan Xichen is aware that he himself is little better - perfectly composed, clothing elegant and movements careful and graceful, his smile warm and open. Gossip is forbidden in Cloud Recesses, but he is well aware that word travels, and he can see the way the castle staff look at them with quiet excitement.

None of them know him well enough to know the depths of his sadness - and in complete fairness, none of them known Jiang Wanyin well enough to know what is beneath the surface, either.

"Yes. I did not go to sleep as early as perhaps I should have, but I'm sure it can be forgiven on the night before such an occasion."

The tittering from the staff almost makes him wishes he could shift right then and there. But he doesn’t. He pushes down the urge. Things are far more restrained in the Cloud Recesses. No gossip, no lying, and a few thousand others that he’s aware of.

“I suppose we should count ourselves so lucky that the planning of tonight’s celebrations have been looked after by others,” he replies.

Jiang Cheng picks up the cup nearby and sips at it before starting on his lunch. It’s tasteless. Probably because nothing tastes quite as good as it does when he’s around his dragon. He wonders, for a moment, if Xichen had his own beloved that he is being pulled away from.

But from what whispers he picked up on the way over, it seemed not.

“It allows us to have a free afternoon to ourselves, right?”

"They've likely done a much better job than I could in planning such a thing."

More appropriate for a pair of crown princes, certainly, considering when it came to him planning - he slipped his marriage ribbon around his beloved in the middle of a forest, words of devotion simple and from the heart, and held a reception in the middle of the mountains with no one else there.

It only just now occurs to him that his last night with his tiger was almost his idea of a perfect wedding, and his chest aches with so much longing that he has to mechanically begin eating lunch as well to avoid it spilling out.

"Yes, it does. I would still like to show you some of the sights nearby, if you will allow me."

“It would be nice to familiarize myself with some of Gusu’s sights before tonight.”

Though, he doubts anything would compare to the sight up on the mountain that his dragon showed him.

He eats just as mechanically, just as neatly. He isn’t sure where the soft gasps from the staff come from. The two of them are strangers just being around each other. At best, they could eventually be friends. The rest of the meal passes in relative silence and Jiang Cheng recalls the voracious hunger he and his dragon shared the night before; nudging some of their own meals toward each other.

He gives a nod in response, smiling gently, before returning to the lunch. Silence during meals is one of the rules in Cloud Recesses that Lan Xichen observes the least - it's hardly beneficial when meeting with neighboring kingdoms and allies to insist on it - but when he is at home, he usually follows it.

It's something he's grateful to fall back on now, even though he suspects the staff are already gasping over the fact that he broke it, however briefly, to speak with his future husband. As though it is something special to Jiang Wanyin, as though he would not do it for anyone unfamiliar with their rules to make them more comfortable.

He eats very little, though he tries to disguise that by trying multiple dishes and taking small, frequent bites. When the meal has finished, he returns to the subject of a tour.

"The cold springs are lovely, and if you've any fondness for animals I can take you to the rabbit warren. The closest marketplace, as well."

It would be good for the people to begin seeing more of Jiang Wanyin, after all - and he does love Caiyi Town. It is one of the places he wishes he could have taken his tiger.

"All of that, then, if we have time."

He had heard about the rabbit warren from Wei Wuxian's blatherings.

"I thought the rabbit warren was specifically Lan Wangji's and under his care. I hadn't known that it was both of you that looked after the rabbits."

Perhaps learning about Gusu would make his heart hurt less. Jiang Cheng is already making plans to drink as much as he could to make the wedding night go much more smoothly. But then that would leave room for error. Perhaps he might call out for his dragon, he might weep. Maybe drinking is a bad idea. But if they're expected to consummate their wedding night, Jiang Cheng will need some kind of aid.

He stands and waits for Lan Xichen to lead him out to where their tour could begin.

His smile softens at the mention of his brother tending to the rabbits, and he stands as well to lead Jiang Wanyin out.

"I had always helped him, but in his absence I have taken it over."

An indulgence, his uncle would say, but Lan Xichen doesn't care. They had always made Wangji happy, and now they make the children of the nobility and staff that make the castle their home - or come to visit - very happy.

He takes him to the cold springs first, though there is not much to see there since they are not partaking. But it is beautiful, and he quietly shares about its healing properties, invites Jiang Wanyin to use it any time. The town is next - it's not as far of a walk when sticking to the path, instead of curving around through the forest, but it still makes him miss his tiger even more.

Lan Xichen had intended to show him different stalls than the ones he'd visited last night or this morning, but of course on the way one of his favorite merchants spots him.

"His Highness is back again!" she says with a wide, pleased smile. "After he came here so early to buy presents already."

The tips of his ears turn a little bit red at the implication in her voice - yes, it seems word is indeed spreading.

"There is so much more than one can experience in one visit," he replies, his own voice pleasantly neutral as he wishes her a good day, promises to return again, and directs Jiang Wanyin on.

The cold springs are, as he shivers, something that lived up to its name. He's glad when they move away to something else, keeping the healing properties in mind. He follows Xichen as they walk along the pathway toward a town, only partially paying attention until he hears a merchant call out for the prince. Presents? He doesn't change his expression but makes a mental note to ask him about it later on.

He follows him on. His expression softs a little. Lan Xichen doesn't deserve his ire. It isn't his fault that they're stuck in a terrible situation.

"Look! Prince Jiang's so handsome when he isn't scowling," whispers one of the merchants. "He must be falling for His Highness' charm."

Perhaps this was not the best idea - perhaps he should have waited so it doesn't appear to the merchants that Lan Xichen is making so many visits to make his betrothed happy, so he isn't encouraging the rumors that are clearly flying.

It is ridiculous to worry that such rumors will make it back to his tiger. His tiger does not know who he is, after all, what will he care if he hears that the Jiang and Lan crown princes have fallen in love with each other?

His more pressing concern is that Jiang Wanyin will believe them, that he will think Lan Xichen in love with him. Worse, that Jiang Wanyin has feelings for him.

"I had a jade token commissioned for you," he says quietly, by way of explanation. "To grant you access through the wards around Cloud Recesses. When I picked it up this morning, I purchased some of the things for our lunch as well."

He feels guilty even saying it. It's true, and he had intended to come into town today to pick up the token for the ceremony. But it leaves out that he had already been here for an entirely different reason, that he had it commissioned special not out of love but out of a desire not to slight his betrothed, a want to treat him well.

Perhaps that is a close to a loving gesture as he will be able to make, but it is not love.

His entire being stiffens when he overhears the merchant. He doesn't want Lan Xichen to have the wrong idea. Jiang Cheng scowls once again to not feed those rumors. What if it makes it back to his dragon? He clenches his hand and looks at Lan Xichen when he mentions the jade token.

"Thank you," he bites out, "that's very kind of you."

He reaches up and rubs his forehead, feeling a headache coming on.

"My apologies. Gusu is...beautiful and the people clearly love you very much."

It is not kind of him, but Lan Xichen doesn't disagree. At some point, he supposes he must stop recriminating himself because his heart and thoughts are with another - does it truly matter, as long as he treats Jiang Wanyin well, as long as his actions make sure he could never want for anything?

Well. Yes, clearly, if Jiang Wanyin actually does have feelings for him. He had not wanted to, but perhaps he will have to gently broach the subject some time later.

He ducks his head a little when Jiang Wanyin speaks of the love his people have for him. It should not affect him so, but - he must admit that his chest warms a little. His entire manner softens as he looks out over the bustling waterways and busy merchants, and it is quite clear that he loves them just as well.

"I do my best. My people deserve it."

His brows furrow in concern as he turns back to Jiang Wanyin and sees him rubbing his forehead. "I am the one who should be apologizing. Perhaps this was too much, when we are supposed to be readying ourselves for the ceremony tonight."

All of it is too much. He wants and he wants so much his heart hurts and his head hurts. He needs to talk with his sister, who is due to arrive today for the wedding with her son. What should he do? He's so very heart and soul in love with someone else; he couldn't go through with this marriage. He swallows thickly, making sure that he doesn't shift accidentally out in the open like this. He's so tempted to just call for his dragon, beg for him to whisk them far and away to some mountain top somewhere.

He lays a hand over his chest, where the ribbon is and takes a deep breath.

"I just...miss Yunmeng," he mumbles.

His father had made it clear that Jiang Cheng is not to return to Yunmeng for at least a year into the marriage.

"But you're right. Perhaps we should go back and...prepare for the ceremony tonight."

His chest tightens, heart aching for the both of them. Jiang Wanyin did not ask for this. He is so far from home, getting ready for a marriage to someone he doesn't know and who can never love him, trapped in a kingdom he has no choice but to like or be miserable in.

Lan Xichen had wanted so badly for this to work, to show him the good things that Gusu has to offer, to distract himself from his own pain - he who at least as his people here, his uncle, his home. Perhaps he cannot be with the one he loves, but whether Jiang Wanyin has someone else or not, whether he truly has feelings for Lan Xichen or not - he must feel so very alone here.

He gives a nod, turning to lead the way back towards Cloud Recesses. Once they've left the busy marketplace and are back on the quiet path, he glances back over at Jiang Wanyin.

"I do not intend to hold you prisoner here. You can go back to Yunmeng whenever you wish."

"Thank you," he says quietly, almost soft enough to be lost in the wind.

Now that they're alone without more listening ears than they would wish to be present, he could be a little more open.

"I'm sorry that Wei Wuxian put you in this position," he says quietly. "I'm sure this is not what you've imagined for yourself. But I...I swear to be a better husband after a few more days here."

He doesn't look at Lan Xichen, just at the ground before him as they walk. This is their fate; decided for them to cover up a scandal. He could hold that hate for Wei Wuxian deep within his soul until his last days but life is what it is.

"Perhaps we could even be friends some day."

His hands twist in the fabric of his clothing, just for something to do. This is as honest as Jiang Wanyin has been with him, and he can do nothing but be the same - but he has not often opened himself up like this. Only with his brother, or with his tiger - more, lately, with his tiger, enough that he has gotten used to being able to seek physical contact for comfort.

"I put myself in this position." And he hesitates before continuing, but Jiang Wanyin is to be his husband, is to be king with him. Hiding matters of the state, even family matters, makes no sense. "My father makes no decisions as the king. He has not for a very, very long time. My uncle is regent, but if I truly wanted, I could have overruled him."

And he had been tempted, oh, he had been so tempted - but it had never really been a question. It is what he does, putting his brother before himself, putting the needs of his people before his own.

"But he is right. My people will always come before everything else, and this is what is right for them. I believe that we can rule well together, Jiang Wanyin, and I should like it if we could become friends, but I have no expectations for anything else."

"Then we are alike in putting our people first. And that I have no expectations for anything other than potentially friendship."

Perhaps they could somehow work a way to fake the consummation. Neither of them would have a seal to break, so to speak. But...they'll cross that bridge when they get there. His heart is too busy breaking into a thousand more pieces for himself, for his dragon, and even for Lan Xichen. He hadn't even the moment to mourn his actual love before being ripped away from him. Jiang Cheng's steps quicken. If he's not careful, he'd snarl and pace.

When the Cloud Recesses are in sight and they had crossed the threshold, Jiang Cheng bows formally to Lan Xichen. The next time they would see each other would be when they took their vows.

"Until the ceremony."

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