equivocations | open rp post

He watches his future husband skirt carefully around directly saying yes or no with a soft smile - a perfectly polite answer, and he can guess that the truth is no where near as simple. Were he a better person, a better fiance, he would probe gently - make a quiet offer to listen if Jiang Wanyin ever wants to share, casually mention that sometimes he finds it difficult to sleep and there is always soothing tea available in the kitchen, or that he will occasionally take walks at night and would welcome company.

But he is not, and he accepts the response at face value.

Jiang Wanyin is the picture of the perfect prince, handsome and strong, perfect posture and faintly frowning expression. Lan Xichen is aware that he himself is little better - perfectly composed, clothing elegant and movements careful and graceful, his smile warm and open. Gossip is forbidden in Cloud Recesses, but he is well aware that word travels, and he can see the way the castle staff look at them with quiet excitement.

None of them know him well enough to know the depths of his sadness - and in complete fairness, none of them known Jiang Wanyin well enough to know what is beneath the surface, either.

"Yes. I did not go to sleep as early as perhaps I should have, but I'm sure it can be forgiven on the night before such an occasion."

The tittering from the staff almost makes him wishes he could shift right then and there. But he doesn’t. He pushes down the urge. Things are far more restrained in the Cloud Recesses. No gossip, no lying, and a few thousand others that he’s aware of.

“I suppose we should count ourselves so lucky that the planning of tonight’s celebrations have been looked after by others,” he replies.

Jiang Cheng picks up the cup nearby and sips at it before starting on his lunch. It’s tasteless. Probably because nothing tastes quite as good as it does when he’s around his dragon. He wonders, for a moment, if Xichen had his own beloved that he is being pulled away from.

But from what whispers he picked up on the way over, it seemed not.

“It allows us to have a free afternoon to ourselves, right?”

"They've likely done a much better job than I could in planning such a thing."

More appropriate for a pair of crown princes, certainly, considering when it came to him planning - he slipped his marriage ribbon around his beloved in the middle of a forest, words of devotion simple and from the heart, and held a reception in the middle of the mountains with no one else there.

It only just now occurs to him that his last night with his tiger was almost his idea of a perfect wedding, and his chest aches with so much longing that he has to mechanically begin eating lunch as well to avoid it spilling out.

"Yes, it does. I would still like to show you some of the sights nearby, if you will allow me."

“It would be nice to familiarize myself with some of Gusu’s sights before tonight.”

Though, he doubts anything would compare to the sight up on the mountain that his dragon showed him.

He eats just as mechanically, just as neatly. He isn’t sure where the soft gasps from the staff come from. The two of them are strangers just being around each other. At best, they could eventually be friends. The rest of the meal passes in relative silence and Jiang Cheng recalls the voracious hunger he and his dragon shared the night before; nudging some of their own meals toward each other.

He gives a nod in response, smiling gently, before returning to the lunch. Silence during meals is one of the rules in Cloud Recesses that Lan Xichen observes the least - it's hardly beneficial when meeting with neighboring kingdoms and allies to insist on it - but when he is at home, he usually follows it.

It's something he's grateful to fall back on now, even though he suspects the staff are already gasping over the fact that he broke it, however briefly, to speak with his future husband. As though it is something special to Jiang Wanyin, as though he would not do it for anyone unfamiliar with their rules to make them more comfortable.

He eats very little, though he tries to disguise that by trying multiple dishes and taking small, frequent bites. When the meal has finished, he returns to the subject of a tour.

"The cold springs are lovely, and if you've any fondness for animals I can take you to the rabbit warren. The closest marketplace, as well."

It would be good for the people to begin seeing more of Jiang Wanyin, after all - and he does love Caiyi Town. It is one of the places he wishes he could have taken his tiger.

"All of that, then, if we have time."

He had heard about the rabbit warren from Wei Wuxian's blatherings.

"I thought the rabbit warren was specifically Lan Wangji's and under his care. I hadn't known that it was both of you that looked after the rabbits."

Perhaps learning about Gusu would make his heart hurt less. Jiang Cheng is already making plans to drink as much as he could to make the wedding night go much more smoothly. But then that would leave room for error. Perhaps he might call out for his dragon, he might weep. Maybe drinking is a bad idea. But if they're expected to consummate their wedding night, Jiang Cheng will need some kind of aid.

He stands and waits for Lan Xichen to lead him out to where their tour could begin.

His smile softens at the mention of his brother tending to the rabbits, and he stands as well to lead Jiang Wanyin out.

"I had always helped him, but in his absence I have taken it over."

An indulgence, his uncle would say, but Lan Xichen doesn't care. They had always made Wangji happy, and now they make the children of the nobility and staff that make the castle their home - or come to visit - very happy.

He takes him to the cold springs first, though there is not much to see there since they are not partaking. But it is beautiful, and he quietly shares about its healing properties, invites Jiang Wanyin to use it any time. The town is next - it's not as far of a walk when sticking to the path, instead of curving around through the forest, but it still makes him miss his tiger even more.

Lan Xichen had intended to show him different stalls than the ones he'd visited last night or this morning, but of course on the way one of his favorite merchants spots him.

"His Highness is back again!" she says with a wide, pleased smile. "After he came here so early to buy presents already."

The tips of his ears turn a little bit red at the implication in her voice - yes, it seems word is indeed spreading.

"There is so much more than one can experience in one visit," he replies, his own voice pleasantly neutral as he wishes her a good day, promises to return again, and directs Jiang Wanyin on.

The cold springs are, as he shivers, something that lived up to its name. He's glad when they move away to something else, keeping the healing properties in mind. He follows Xichen as they walk along the pathway toward a town, only partially paying attention until he hears a merchant call out for the prince. Presents? He doesn't change his expression but makes a mental note to ask him about it later on.

He follows him on. His expression softs a little. Lan Xichen doesn't deserve his ire. It isn't his fault that they're stuck in a terrible situation.

"Look! Prince Jiang's so handsome when he isn't scowling," whispers one of the merchants. "He must be falling for His Highness' charm."

Perhaps this was not the best idea - perhaps he should have waited so it doesn't appear to the merchants that Lan Xichen is making so many visits to make his betrothed happy, so he isn't encouraging the rumors that are clearly flying.

It is ridiculous to worry that such rumors will make it back to his tiger. His tiger does not know who he is, after all, what will he care if he hears that the Jiang and Lan crown princes have fallen in love with each other?

His more pressing concern is that Jiang Wanyin will believe them, that he will think Lan Xichen in love with him. Worse, that Jiang Wanyin has feelings for him.

"I had a jade token commissioned for you," he says quietly, by way of explanation. "To grant you access through the wards around Cloud Recesses. When I picked it up this morning, I purchased some of the things for our lunch as well."

He feels guilty even saying it. It's true, and he had intended to come into town today to pick up the token for the ceremony. But it leaves out that he had already been here for an entirely different reason, that he had it commissioned special not out of love but out of a desire not to slight his betrothed, a want to treat him well.

Perhaps that is a close to a loving gesture as he will be able to make, but it is not love.

His entire being stiffens when he overhears the merchant. He doesn't want Lan Xichen to have the wrong idea. Jiang Cheng scowls once again to not feed those rumors. What if it makes it back to his dragon? He clenches his hand and looks at Lan Xichen when he mentions the jade token.

"Thank you," he bites out, "that's very kind of you."

He reaches up and rubs his forehead, feeling a headache coming on.

"My apologies. Gusu is...beautiful and the people clearly love you very much."

It is not kind of him, but Lan Xichen doesn't disagree. At some point, he supposes he must stop recriminating himself because his heart and thoughts are with another - does it truly matter, as long as he treats Jiang Wanyin well, as long as his actions make sure he could never want for anything?

Well. Yes, clearly, if Jiang Wanyin actually does have feelings for him. He had not wanted to, but perhaps he will have to gently broach the subject some time later.

He ducks his head a little when Jiang Wanyin speaks of the love his people have for him. It should not affect him so, but - he must admit that his chest warms a little. His entire manner softens as he looks out over the bustling waterways and busy merchants, and it is quite clear that he loves them just as well.

"I do my best. My people deserve it."

His brows furrow in concern as he turns back to Jiang Wanyin and sees him rubbing his forehead. "I am the one who should be apologizing. Perhaps this was too much, when we are supposed to be readying ourselves for the ceremony tonight."

All of it is too much. He wants and he wants so much his heart hurts and his head hurts. He needs to talk with his sister, who is due to arrive today for the wedding with her son. What should he do? He's so very heart and soul in love with someone else; he couldn't go through with this marriage. He swallows thickly, making sure that he doesn't shift accidentally out in the open like this. He's so tempted to just call for his dragon, beg for him to whisk them far and away to some mountain top somewhere.

He lays a hand over his chest, where the ribbon is and takes a deep breath.

"I just...miss Yunmeng," he mumbles.

His father had made it clear that Jiang Cheng is not to return to Yunmeng for at least a year into the marriage.

"But you're right. Perhaps we should go back and...prepare for the ceremony tonight."

His chest tightens, heart aching for the both of them. Jiang Wanyin did not ask for this. He is so far from home, getting ready for a marriage to someone he doesn't know and who can never love him, trapped in a kingdom he has no choice but to like or be miserable in.

Lan Xichen had wanted so badly for this to work, to show him the good things that Gusu has to offer, to distract himself from his own pain - he who at least as his people here, his uncle, his home. Perhaps he cannot be with the one he loves, but whether Jiang Wanyin has someone else or not, whether he truly has feelings for Lan Xichen or not - he must feel so very alone here.

He gives a nod, turning to lead the way back towards Cloud Recesses. Once they've left the busy marketplace and are back on the quiet path, he glances back over at Jiang Wanyin.

"I do not intend to hold you prisoner here. You can go back to Yunmeng whenever you wish."

"Thank you," he says quietly, almost soft enough to be lost in the wind.

Now that they're alone without more listening ears than they would wish to be present, he could be a little more open.

"I'm sorry that Wei Wuxian put you in this position," he says quietly. "I'm sure this is not what you've imagined for yourself. But I...I swear to be a better husband after a few more days here."

He doesn't look at Lan Xichen, just at the ground before him as they walk. This is their fate; decided for them to cover up a scandal. He could hold that hate for Wei Wuxian deep within his soul until his last days but life is what it is.

"Perhaps we could even be friends some day."

His hands twist in the fabric of his clothing, just for something to do. This is as honest as Jiang Wanyin has been with him, and he can do nothing but be the same - but he has not often opened himself up like this. Only with his brother, or with his tiger - more, lately, with his tiger, enough that he has gotten used to being able to seek physical contact for comfort.

"I put myself in this position." And he hesitates before continuing, but Jiang Wanyin is to be his husband, is to be king with him. Hiding matters of the state, even family matters, makes no sense. "My father makes no decisions as the king. He has not for a very, very long time. My uncle is regent, but if I truly wanted, I could have overruled him."

And he had been tempted, oh, he had been so tempted - but it had never really been a question. It is what he does, putting his brother before himself, putting the needs of his people before his own.

"But he is right. My people will always come before everything else, and this is what is right for them. I believe that we can rule well together, Jiang Wanyin, and I should like it if we could become friends, but I have no expectations for anything else."

"Then we are alike in putting our people first. And that I have no expectations for anything other than potentially friendship."

Perhaps they could somehow work a way to fake the consummation. Neither of them would have a seal to break, so to speak. But...they'll cross that bridge when they get there. His heart is too busy breaking into a thousand more pieces for himself, for his dragon, and even for Lan Xichen. He hadn't even the moment to mourn his actual love before being ripped away from him. Jiang Cheng's steps quicken. If he's not careful, he'd snarl and pace.

When the Cloud Recesses are in sight and they had crossed the threshold, Jiang Cheng bows formally to Lan Xichen. The next time they would see each other would be when they took their vows.

"Until the ceremony."

It is a relief, at least, not to have to worry that Jiang Wanyin may have feelings for him, or that he may think Lan Xichen in love with him. A small favor, perhaps, but certainly one preferable to finding out that their hopes for this marriage were mismatched.

He bows in return, watching Jiang Wanyin leave and trying hard not to remember just this morning when he watched his tiger bound away from him. One he wanted to be with forever and will not see again unless some great tragedy were to befall them, the other he will be bound to for all of his days when he would be happy to have him as an ally seen only occasionally.

His mind wanders as he returns to his quarters to get ready, imagining such a thing - his tiger at his side as his co-ruler, negotiating mutually beneficial agreements. His tiger's knowledge of Yunmeng would be invaluable, his love for the place ensuring the best benefit for both kingdoms - would his tiger like Jiang Wanyin, if he was not the one married to the man who should be his? Would it please his tiger to take such an active role in the governing of the land he loved so much?

Foolish thoughts. Foolish, foolish, they only bring him more pain, only remind him that Jiang Wanyin deserves so much better than him.

There are a small handful of staff to help him get ready, and he thanks them for their efforts as they leave him once he's dressed. If he was being honest with himself, he might admit that it hurts that his brother is not here. But what would it matter if he did? One more slice of pain among all the others, and he reminds himself that if he cannot be happy, if Jiang Wanyin cannot be happy, if his beloved tiger cannot be happy - at least the brother he still treasures more than his own life can be, at least his people will be prosperous.

He meditates until his uncle comes to get him, clearing his mind completely, and he is numb once again by the time the ceremony begins and he is facing Jiang Wanyin for their vows.

He paces.

As soon as the doors shut and he locks himself into his chambers, he paces. He paces and he snarls and feels that itch beneath his skin to just shift. Damn everything. Damn his father. Damn Lan Xichen. Damn Wei Wuxian. Damn all of them!

He just wants to feel his dragon again. He just wants to be held by him, scent him. If things were different. Would his dragon like the warmer climes of Yunmeng? Would he want to splash in the sweet, warm waters? How would he look with lotuses in his horns? Would he be the kind of consort--Jiang Cheng swallows...would he be the sort of consort that would help him rule over Yunmeng fairly? Justly?

...would his dragon love hear the rumors and assume that he was the tiger and think he had abandoned him?

Jiang Cheng feels the hot prick of tears in his eyes and takes a deep breath, pushing the feeling as far down as he could. No. He needed to dress himself. He dresses in reds and golds and there are a few things he wears that bear Yunmeng Jiang's symbol. He takes the jeweled ribbon and once again, kisses it, whispering his apologies to his dragon, before tucking it into his breast pocket.

Outside, he is composed and he is every inch the prince he's supposed to be and every inch the groom he's supposed to be. He's escorted by his father and mother to where the ceremony would take place. If he imagines, he could pretend he's walking to his dragon instead of Lan Xichen.

His eyes are distant as Jiang Wanyin walks towards him, but even if he was aware of it, he wouldn't expect anyone to notice. His expression is perfectly pleasant, a soft smile on his face and managing to maintain appropriate eye contact with anyone who looks at him.

The only one who might notice is his uncle, but the man is already at his side - and his attention is focused mostly on the Jiang king and queen. Whatever silent communication goes on between them, Lan Xichen honestly doesn't care.

Jiang Wanyin looks so very handsome, and if he could just - he doesn't know. He could imagine that this is his tiger, he supposes, to help him get through this, could lose himself in a fantasy where his tiger showed him his human form - and he can almost see it, how breathtaking Lan Xichen would find him if this truly was his tiger's form.

It is, perhaps, the most unfair thing that he has ever done to either of them, and he is immediately horrified at himself.

He promised his tiger that he wouldn't hide himself, that he wouldn't let himself be lost - but how else is he supposed to survive this ceremony? How else is he supposed to pledge himself to someone else? Just for right now, he promises, even though his tiger cannot hear him. Just to get through this, he will retreat into himself and just let everything wash over him.

He meets Lan Xichen, his husband to be, and knows it's cruel to everyone, including himself to imagine that he's standing next to his dragon, erasing Lan Xichen's presence and putting such a creature there. Did his dragon have a human form? Maybe. He doesn't care. He doesn't care who he hurts as he imagines his dragon beside him bowing and making their vows to the ancestors, to their parents, to each other.

In his heart, he makes the same vows that his mouth speaks, but to an entirely different person that is nowhere near the Cloud Recesses. He means the vows he made and is making again to his dragon. The words that he speaks aloud are but empty promises to Lan Xichen.

The celebrations that erupt around them is deafening and he wonders if anyone would see how miserable he looks. He dares a glance at his new husband. Or if anyone could see how absent his husband looks. The feast is one for the ages, easily putting everyone deep in their cups in celebratory congratulations to the new couple and the unification of two kingdoms. Jiang Cheng had to share a cup of wine with his husband. Then toast the wedding guests as they came to bear gifts to them. Each moment that passes has him tense more and more. Each raunchy joke that seems to come their way has him trying his damnedest to keep from snarling, from shifting and ripping their throats out and demand if this was entertainment enough for them.

It's late in the night when they finally retire to the wedding chambers, encouraged to fulfill their marital duties. Instead of being relaxed from the wine, Jiang Cheng is wound tighter than a coil. He's not drunk. His anger, his sadness, his grief kept him from truly feeling the effects of the alcohol. He can't...he can't do this. He simply...

Jiang Cheng looks at Lan Xichen. His husband. He deserves the right to know before Jiang Cheng accidentally shifts one day.

He is not sure he will remember any of this, if he's entirely honest. He is aware that he says his vows, but those are easy enough - they are traditional, written for him, and he has done nothing to elaborate on them. Generally, of course, one would use them as an outline, to make sure they hit all the points expected - remain loyal, provide for his husband, honor and respect him, put him second only to the good of the kingdom. The vows say nothing of love, of devotion, and where it is standard for a groom to make their own additions with such words, Lan Xichen does not.

His vows of love and devotion were made last night.

The rest of the evening passes in a blur. He is not drunk - he was tempted, briefly, but he knows what his reaction to alcohol is, and so he leans into some of his magic to burn off the alcohol every time he must drink.

He barely looks at his husband. It makes him feel horribly guilty not to, but then he feels guilty every time he looks over and sees how miserable he is, so what does it matter? He tells himself that it's only because everyone expects them to be so happy and in love, that when the honeymoon period has settled down and people let them be, they can fall into an amiable partnership, but that offers little comfort.

He never once snaps, never once lets the smile slip from his face. His eyes grow more and more distant, but he maintains picture perfect composure, pleasant and warm.

Even when they are finally able to leave, when they're ushered to their wedding chambers with plenty of well wishes, he is unable to drop it, too settled into it. It's only when his husband looks at him that it cracks, a Iittle, that he's able to look at Jiang Wanyin and truly see him.

"I'm sorry," he whispers. "You deserve so much better. I-" He cuts off, shaking his head. "You don't have to stay the night with me."

“...there is an ability passed along the Yu line.”

He could at least tell him this. The marriage is official. Lan Xichen is now a co-heir of Yunmeng. Whatever he chooses to do with Jiang Cheng after he learns this part of himself changes nothing of the political tie.

“My sister does not have this ability. It was only passed to me.”

He couldn’t. He couldn’t hide this part of himself. The pain of heartbreak is too great for him to keep to his human self. The pitying look from Lan Xichen through dinner had been too much.

Jiang Cheng steps away from Lan Xichen and allows himself to shift and change until a large, purple tiger is standing before him in the wedding chambers.

His words are not what Lan Xichen expected. It snaps him even more back into himself, and he finds his curiosity growing as he watches Jiang Wanyin step back. What ability can he mean? He supposes it is not surprising that another royal family is also possessing of a unique ability - perhaps this means that he can break the rules once again, out of fairness to his husband, that he can tell him about -

His thoughts completely cut off when Jiang Wanyin begins to shift and change. He can't even formulate a denial at the sheer impossiblity, too wrapped up in his complete and utter shock. Lan Xichen stops breathing entirely as he stares at the large purple tiger before him - he seems so much bigger like this, looking on him with human eyes.

For a long moment, he is completely frozen.

And then he throws himself at his tiger, his arms wrapping around his neck as he buries his face into his fur, tears pricking at his eyes and a sob caught in his chest.

"My tiger," he murmurs into his ear. "My heart."

He nearly rears back and away when Lan Xichen practically throws himself at him, holding and hugging him tightly. His hackles rise a little and his ears flick at the sob, at how familiar Lan Xichen is acquainting himself to Jiang Cheng. He freezes when he hears Lan Xichen murmur into his ear.

No. It would be too much to hope for it. Too much. Lan Xichen wouldn't be that cruel of a person to have known his dragon and say such a thing. He pulls himself away, shifting back with a scowl on his features, truly showing anger. He searches Lan Xichen's face for any indicator that he is mocking him. Immediately, his hand goes up to his breast pocket, where his dragon's ribbon is tucked safely away. He can't decide if fate had been kind or cruel with how Lan Xichen held him like how--just like how--

He swallows thickly. Did he wish hard enough that it came true?

"...Dragon?" he asks shakily.

His tiger's hackles haven't gone up at sudden physical affection from him like this since they were young, since Lan Xichen finally got him used to it - but of course, of course his tiger - Wanyin - doesn't know it's him. He isn't strong enough in this form to truly resist his tiger pulling away, as much as he wants to stay pressed against him forever.

When he shifts back, and Jiang Wanyin stands before him once more - he remembers what he'd done at the beginning of the ceremony, how he'd imagined if this was his tiger's human form, and suddenly he can see him in that same light. Anger and all, Lan Xichen has never seen anything more beautiful.

"Yes. It's me, my tiger, I would never-" He cuts off with a sound somewhere between a laugh and a sob.

His dragon form is too big for this room, but he doesn't care. He steps back and allows himself to shift until he stands there in full dragon form, white scales gleaming and the soft, feathery blue that lines his spine and horns puffed up, long body and tail curled in on himself to try to fit in the space.

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